I knew the moment it boarded the 417 to Mukilteo that we were in for an adventure. How is it, you ask, that I was the only one aware of the zombie? Because this was once my friend. There are a lot of misconceptions about zombies. I hope to dispel at least a few.
My friend, Z-man (Z=zombie), had boarded the bus before I had gotten on and only saw him in passing. We didn’t make eye contact. He was staring straight forward. And he was looking pretty good for a zombie.
What is a zombie? Well, the dictionary tells us squat. A zombie is a person completely controlled by a parasite. Once the parasite is has attached itself to its host the host internal functions die and the parasite is in complete control, which is why over time a zombie with a stupid non feeding parasite will decay as normal.
How did the zombie originate? I’m glad you asked. We can thank the Egyptians and their high priests for that. Some one thought it was a good idea to remove all the eternal organs and the brain as well. To accomplish this, the high priest would stick a rod, much like a wire coat hanger, up the nose of the deceased and scramble the brain into very small chunks. A bamboo tube was stuck into the nose and the scrambled brain matter was inhaled up the straw and into the mouth of the recipient; generally a high priest or honored guest; who would then spit the contents out into an urn. At times, thinking it was ok to eat some of the brain matter thus inheriting the mind and powers of the deceased, the unawares transformed into a zombie due to a common parasite known as the ringworm. Yes my friends the Tinea. The Tinea becomes completely addicted to the delicacy of brains that it hungers savagely for more.
But I made reference you say to a parasite being stupid. There are varying degrees of intelligence in zombies. 90% of zombies are the stupid ones trying to eat your brains by way of liver or spleen etc. 9% focus in on brain eating only and 1%, that awful, devious, cunning 1 % know that by eating brains they can live longer.
So there was Z-man. Sitting and waiting for his golden opportunity. These 1% know who to lull their meal tickets into submission. Harmonics. These zombies are capable of transmitting a sound that causes potential victims to slip into a coma like state. Having witnessed early on this latest outbreak I have developed earplugs that are guaranteed to block the harmonics from effecting you into the coma.
I have made a recording of this sound and have determined that the low Uuuuuuuuuuuh they create is actually zombie-speak. More later on that.
So here we are, a bus full of people and 1 zombie on board. Z-man gets up from his seat and heads towards the driver. He sticks a wet finger (zombie wet willy) into the drivers ear and takes command of the person all the while saying, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. People are falling into comas. But not me. I saw this coming on and installed my zombie-proof earplugs. So I watched and took notes.
The problem with most people is that they want to react right away to stop the onslaught of zombies. If there are a half dozen or more I suppose it’s a good idea. It doesn’t take long for the parasites to transfer from one person to another. A bite, fingernail slash or a booger flicked are all potential methods of parasite transfer.
Here’s another note on zombies. If they eat your brain, you do not become a zombie for the parasite needs a brain to function as a zombie.
Z-man had picked his first dinner meal. It was the first person on the bench seat behind the driver. Now I try not to judge people and the reason why I hadn’t intervened at this time was not because the person was fashionably challenged but I was observing for science. I took notes.
An intelligent zombie knows that the brains are the only nutrient that will sustain their somewhat healthy looks, which is how they can pass as a non-zombie. Z-man went to his meal/revitalization ticket and placing both hands over the ears applied pressure inwards causing the skull to crack cleanly open. It makes an interesting sound if done correctly. Actually more of a combination of sounds. The first sound being the obvious sharp crack sound intermixed with a sound I can only describe as a flop sound as if removing a sealed toilet plunger from a smooth surface. Something like a craflop. If this sound is recreated the zombie can remove the brain intact and not in a bunch of pieces.
As Z-man enjoyed his fresh brain I had the opportunity to walk right up to him, because of the focus on the brain and severed his head, with my Craftsman Mark 12 razor sharp hedge clippers. Though as intelligent as this zombie was it still does after all think of nothing but food.
And the bus driver had to be disposed of as well but I waited until the next bus stop and called the dispatcher for a replacement. After all we can’t have a wet-willied zombie bus driver running loose.
The Laughing Cavalier's Platitudes & Pleasantries For One and All 